Just for Kicks | The Colbert Questionert

"15 questions to cover the full spectrum of human experience"

» Overthinker? Often. Overanswerer? Always.

Are you able to answer questions straightforwardly? Do you have the desire to answer and move forward? Good on you — I like to clarify and question and dig. I am at times rather obnoxious about it, but I assume there’s some level of “just part of my charm” in it. Who knows.

In that same realm, I’m one of THOSE people. I like any and every kind of personality quiz, assessment, or categorization. Within the enneagram spectrum, I fall decidedly in the 8 slot…hitting up my 7 wing often enough. In Western astrology, my sun is in Scorpio, my moon is in Capricorn, and my rising sign is back to Scorpio. (I should come with an at-the-ready support group for people who know me.) Chinese astrology has me slotted in as a horse, which the little girl in me lurrvvs. I’ve tried several times to take some free version of a Meyers-Briggs test, but I get different answers back every time. Does that mean I’m likely a specific one because of that level of variance? No clue.

But pseudoscience, schmoodoscience. People like that, people like me, we just like to be known. Feel seen. Have a short-hand way of directing people to understanding who I am.

So, without further ado…and as Stephen Colbert, host of The Late Show, asks his celebrity guests, “Are you ready to be known?”

Yes.

---

1. What’s the best sandwich?

This is a deceptive question — looks easy, but damn that’s a tough one. I also have trouble with naming a single best anything. At the moment, my brain is thinking peanut butter and jelly. It’s simple. It’s nostalgic. It’s cheap and easy to make. You can elevate it by toasting the bread, getting a different kind of bread, or changing up the peanut butter. I’m a solid grape jelly only person, but that has more to do with my oral allergy syndrome pitting me against most fruits than it does to solely being about the flavor.

2. What’s one thing you own that you really should throw out?

Hmm. That’s hard because I can be too brutal with a cleanup, but also I can let a pile of Goodwill donations linger for far too long in my closet. But since I’m forcing myself to choose…I’ll go with some of our old luggage, including a tote bag full of other tote bags. I’m not sure why those are so hard, or why they feel like an “oh but I might need it soon” kind of BS, but here we are.

3. What is the scariest animal?

I don’t want to play around with being too clever, but sharks, snakes, and other wild animals that would turn my blood to ice if I randomly encountered them notwithstanding, I’d have to say humans are the scariest. And I’ll let that rest.

4. Apples or oranges?

Okay, here again, the OAS plays a role. I would love to say apples, but I can’t eat apples anymore…so I feel obligated to say oranges. However, I’m a big baby and am not inclined to peeling and dissecting orange corpses in order to get to the actual meat of the fruit…so I really would only mean mandarin oranges that you’d feed to a child.

5. Have you ever asked someone for their autograph?

I really don’t think I have. Honestly, I’m not sure I would…even given the opportunity, which frankly hasn’t been an issue here in North Carolina. I’ve only ever bumped into the vicinity of a couple of celebrities, and I’ve never gone to an author event. I guess the closest is the signed copies of books I’ve purchased. Does that count?

6. What do you think happens when we die?

Oh, big question here. And one with a vague answer, because…and I don't mean to be a stickler, but no one knows. So, I don’t know. I think maybe there’s an afterlife or there’s a reabsorption of our energy and we go back into the life of the universe.

7. Favorite action movie?

Oof. Another toughie, again because I struggle with Best ofs, but also because I struggle with genre labeling. What exactly constitutes an action movie? But I went and looked up top action movies ever and whittled it down from there. While I love many on the particular set of lists I ran through, I’m going a bit offbeat here and saying that today’s answer is The Fugitive (1993). It’s tense, it’s smart, it’s well executed, and it’s nonstop from the word go. Also, it’s quotable.

8. Favorite smell?

My knee-jerk response is to say a baby’s head…but one’s not always available for sniffing. So, I think an easy one is bread baking. Is there anything as simple, but yet so mouthwatering, as bread doing its thing in the oven? Gah.

9. Least favorite smell?

Well, I mean…is there anything worse than feces? I guess it depends, but really…no.

10. Exercise: worth it?

Um, yes. And I need to get back to it. Injuries, please stay away.

11. Flat or sparkling?

Not all sparkling water is the same, but that’s my answer.

12. Most used app on your phone?

I guess these days it’s Instagram. Bleh.

13. You get one song to listen to for the rest of your life: what is it?

Honestly, not to be obnoxious, but I’d probably go with a symphony, just because they run over an hour in length and they have a wider variation of musical movements than any modern song I could think of. So, let’s say Beethoven's Symphony No. 9 (Choral).

14. What number am I thinking of?

Stephen asks this of his guests, and I’m always suspicious of the hidden answer…is there a trick in there? But I’ll say 0.

15. Describe the rest of your life in 5 words?

This prompt always intrigues me — some celebrities tick off five individual words, while others try to work in a phrase or pseudo sentence. I’ll go with ticking: 1) Happy, 2) Healthy, 3) Fulfilling, 4) Lengthy, and 5) Generous.

---

Thank you; I am now known. 😉